15 Life Roolz for Aging Yard Apes

1. Life isn't fair. Sometimes you get lucky; sometimes you get screwed. That's the way it goes. Get used to it.



2. All families are "dysfunctional," if dysfunctional means less than perfect. So is everything--and everyone--else. All humans are a little nuts, and so are you.



3. If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault--even if your family was dysfunctional. Perhaps your family caused you real pain, damaged your psyche or crushed your dreams. Guess what? Now's your chance. Living well is the best revenge. Whining about your mistakes may be satisfying, but not repeating them is better.



4. The world doesn't care about your self-esteem. In fact, the world insists that you accomplish something before you feel good about yourself--and that's not unfeeling or unreasonable. When you knock out Liston, Frazier and Foreman, you can call yourself The Greatest and people will agree. But not before.



5. Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Let's face it, at your age, you don't really have much dignity. Like self-esteem, dignity must be earned. What you call dignity, adults call attitude; and flipping burgers, like any job--or any position of trust--is an opportunity.



6. You may never be rich. Why lie? It's always possible, but the odds are against it. If you keep at it, however, you are almost certain to be successful and comfortable. Half the battle in life consists of showing up every day, on time and ready to go. But you will probably not make 100K--or even 30K--right out of high school. So get real.



7. Going to college is not a magic bean that will grow up to support a castle in the clouds. If you have no vocational calling and the only reason you have for going to college is to prolong your dependent adolescence while you wait for a Big Idea, don't bother. Wherever you go, there you are. Big Ideas usually come when you're busy doing something else, so you're better off drawing a paycheck.



8. If you think your teacher is tough on you, wait 'til you meet your boss. Chances are he won't belong to a union (unless you do), which means that he can be fired. Which he will be, if you don't do your job to his satisfaction. His job depends on your performance--and that makes you expendable.




9. Life is not divided into trimesters and you won't get the whole summer off. Forget about Easter break in Daytona. Plus, very few employers will be interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.



10. When you land a job, remember that the job is not "yours." The job belongs to the employer who loaned it to you on credit, based on your promise to perform. The good news is that the employer does not own you. What belongs to you is your freedom; what you are selling is your service.



11. TV is not real life. Even reality TV is not real life. In real life, people can't spend all day running around half-naked on tropical islands or hanging out in the coffee shop cracking jokes. Plus, a little sexual innuendo in conversation goes a long. long way, most people find visible tattoos distasteful and a boob job is not required to scan groceries.



12. Before you were born, your parents were probably cool--or at least not as boring as they are now. They evolved into boring creatures through natural selection: by paying your bills, cleaning up your messes and listening to you tell them how cool you are. So before you heal the planet, clean up your room.



13. Nor will you always be cool. No matter how cool you think you are, your own kids will find you insufferable. You cannot prepare for this too early.



14. Be nice to nerds. It's the right thing to do and--since nerds, dweebs and geeks are often serious people--the chances are better than even that one day you will work for one.



15. Your school may have eliminated winners and losers. Life has not. Life quickly separates the wheat from the chaff. Don't be chaff. And don't expect a gold star for attendance or a trophy for being the best tweeter ever. If life is good to you--and you are good to life--you will have a network of family and close friends. But the hard truth is: you are on your own. And what could be more glorious?