1. Don't try to be a singer that you're not. Roseanne Barr--and yes, Christina Aguilera--I'm talking to you. Christina, you are not Whitney Houston. Roseanne, you are not Josh Groban, and if I were you, I'd steer clear of even Happy Birthday.
2. Francis Scott Key wrote specific lyrics 200 years ago. Don't try to improve on them. And if you don't know the words to the first commonly sung verse--and call yourself an American--you ought to be ashamed. There's a time in life when these lyrics should be learned. We call it second grade. If, in the middle of singing, you draw a blank (Christina, you are only the latest, not the first, to suffer this shame. It happened to Robert Goulet, too, back in the day.), do not simply repeat the line you last remember singing. Which, for all you know, might be from a different song. (Imagine, for instance. "Imagine there's no countries..." does not fit well into any national anthem.) And don't try to make people forget your mistake by gargling gibberish or by adding a bunch of notes that aren't there (see Rule 3) or by doubling down on the drama (see Rule 4). Most Americans know the words and are not as stupid as you think they are. You're better off humming until the lights come back on.
3. Mr. Key also wrote specific notes. Sing his, not yours. Again, you can not improve on them. If you think you can, with all the emotional freight they carry, you are delusional. The time (Christina) for self-indulgence is when you are by yourself--perhaps in the shower--when you may feel free to mangle any song as you see fit. You are not Jimi Hendrix's Stratocaster and the Super Bowl is not Woodstock. Aim for the note--and only that one note--as written, not a riff of six or seven of them that are sort of in the neighborhood.
4. The Star-Spangled Banner carries all the necessary emotional baggage all by itself. It's a simple song, really--however tricky to sing well (as you now know, Christina)--conveying one simple image: the flag of the fledgling nation, flying over a beseiged fort at twilight, survives a tumultous night of battle and still flies when morning comes. Metaphorically, it suggests that that banner, the symbol of the nation, will keep flying, unconquered, come what may, because it is infused with the American spirit of freedom and courage. Your job (Christina) is to deliver and renew that message of faith and hope. It's a strong message. It doesn't need your help--only your sincerity.
5. It is the National Anthem, not a cattle call. To be asked to sing it publicly is an honor. It is not an audition for American Idol, wherein one feels the urgency to show J-Lo all one's chops in ninety seconds. It's all about dignity and passionate restraint, not love gone wrong. Plus, it is a song for all Americans, not just white people (note to narcissistic black singers and their pale imitators (Christina): it's your song too. As a percentage of the population, there were at least as many black Americans at the time it was written as there are today, so stop mucking it up.) Nor is it a war song (note to the dovish: yes, rockets glare and bombs burst--as they are wont to do--but it is about an indomitable people and the ideals they live by, not an ode to violence). It is a hymn asserting that we will rise above all obstacles and should be sung in that spirit.
6. Unless you are Whitney Houston or Josh Groban (or comparably gifted), do not go for the Big Finish. (Sadly, yes, Christina, this means you.) Our anthem ends with an upbeat, dramatic, emotional flourish as written, without embellishment, but if you can jump an octave on "free" (as in "o'er the la-and of the free-EEE")--a feat that's usually managed by an accompanying trumpet, by all means do so. People love that and it's in good taste. But if you are not sure you can hit that note, because you are an alto (Christina), do not gear up for it and then lose your nerve at the last possible second. This is anti-climactic and makes you look foolish--and the wrong note can be held until you turn blue and still sound like a siren.
The tragedy, Christina, is that you are not without talent like so many of your peers. The truth is that I feel kind of sorry for you right now--humiliation is a heavy cross to bear. And the up side is that your talent may well bring you another opportunity. When it comes, I hope these simple rules help you knock it out of the park.
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