Death to Santa

Like most progressive initiatives, the War on Christmas began harmlessly enough as an overdue assault on commercialism run amok. (Like all progressive projects, the war soon escalated on many fronts--and never mind that the folks who today insist that Christmas be celebrated as a purely secular holiday are the direct descendants of the folks who once grieved publicly over the shrinking of Christ in Christmas.) The original criticism had merit. To many, Christmas is little more than a month-long mall crawl, and the central symbol of this orgy of getting and spending is, of course, Santa Claus, the jolly old elf of legend who perhaps merits a long second look.

Last Christmas, a useful idiot named Evander French, Jr., principal of a middle school in Winchester, Massachusetts, took that look and upped the ante by cancelling a class trip to see Miracle on 34th Street. His grounds? To some, Santa Claus is an offensive symbol, and the Christmas movie classic about a kindly old gent who may or may not actually be Santa was "incompatible with our curriculum, which must be for everybody." A few malcontent parents had complained about the outing, so French had "reviewed their concerns," found them viable, and aborted it.

Abortion wasn't his only option. He might have excused those children unlucky enough to have such self-important parents from the screening, but that would have been too obvious. He might have shown courage and laughed in those parents' faces, but that would be asking too much. Shuffling timidity is the role of useful idiots today.

Or maybe French wasn't timid. Maybe he's a vicious PC bully in Mr. Rogers wear. If his curriculum, as he claims, is for everybody, would he stop teaching evolution as fact if parents objected? Would he pull Heather Has Two Mommies from his library shelves or scrap diversity indoctrination? Or sex "education?" Would he abort a field trip to see An Inconvenient Truth? Many parents (if not most) would find one or all of the above offensive, so if the answer is no, then we know who and what French is: another junior officer in the progressive Newthink Gestapo.

But then I thought things through and encourage you to do the same. Maybe French was right.

Maybe Santa is a deserving target. So this Christmas season, I'm calling for, if not the assassination of Santa Claus, his immediate removal, by any means necessary, as a holiday force.

Because let's face it--Santa Claus is white. He's surrounded by white twenty-four-seven. You can't get any whiter. And his origins are European, which won't do. For that matter, he's a he, and appears to be defiantly heterosexual. He forces Mrs. Claus to bake year 'round in an isolated North Pole kitchen. He's a saint of the Catholic church--or based upon one, which is just as bad. He's fat and happy about it. He eats and drinks anything he sees in private homes (trans fats included), arrogantly assuming it's for him. He invades these homes, often through carbon-spewing chimneys. He wears fur! He unfairly divides our children into discriminatory categories like "naughty" and "nice," rewarding the "nice" with gaudy toys that may contain lead paint and punishing the "naughty" with lumps of fossil fuel. He exploits our reindeer friends, forcing them to fly around the world at unsafe speeds and make reckless rooftop landings. He keeps slaves--and not just any slaves, but elves--little people!--an unprotected and defenseless class made to labor ceaselessly in the production of his habit-forming products. He insists that small children of both sexes sit on his lap and clearly enjoys it too much. "Ho-ho-ho" indeed! (And we shamed Don Imus for saying "ho" once.) And for crying out loud, he shamelessly smokes tobacco (and who knows what else?) in a big old pipe. Publicly.

So if we think it through, there's nothing good to say about him. This year, it's time to say "Enough!" It's time to make a stand. To hell with Santa Claus, enemy of the people! All hail to the Evander French, Juniors of America, heroes of the New Class and guardians of our Brave New World.