Blame It On the Sun

The Long Marchers of the American left (the Democratic party is their more or less camera-ready face--compared to, say, Code Pink) are desperately unhappy. They know they're going to get spanked in November; the only question is how hard--but November is the least of their worries. Two short years ago, they thought that their generations-long march through the institutions had ended in triumph, that they would quickly and fundamentally transform this free-for-all nation they loathed into an orderly banana republic in which they would all be top bananas. But what rises like a helium balloon falls like lead after the gas is burned off. Suddenly, it's all coming apart. The rough beast of authentic American republicanism is once more shambling towards Bethlehem to be born--million-faced and roaring--and the artificial center they created cannot hold.

The Long Marchers stare at one another in disbelief. How can this be happening? We just got here. How can hope so quickly turn into despair? How can change so quickly become a mantra used against us?

For nearly their entire first year of unbroken failure, they blamed Bush. Under constant seige from a lapdog media, Bush's last two years were undeniably rough (and he made a few moves that even he has since admitted he'd like back) and 3 out of 4 Americans--even some admirers--were not unhappy to see him go. Things are tough out there, said the Long Marchers, but we're here to help. It'll take time to come back from the Bush disaster, but time is all we need. It didn't work out that way. Everything got worse.

Their next villain was Republican obstructionism. Never mind their overwhelming Congressional majorities--those pesky Republicans refused to allow them free rein and were blocking the path to the Promised Land. "They have no ideas," they sneered. "They're the Party of No."

Like FDR, Obama believes that Americans crave motion for its own sake, that doing anything beats doing nothing. Throw enough dung at the wall (or money at a problem) and something will stick. But that just isn't so, and America was not that stupid. "We're not the Party of No," the GOP claimed indignantly. "We're the Party of Hell No!" Most Americans applauded. It was one of the smartest things they ever said. And the smartest thing the Republicans ever did was to listen to and echo the howling of the torch-and-pitchfork peasants surging through the streets. If they are wise, they will continue to do so.

The Long Marchers turned back to blaming Bush. Worked once, oughta work again. But time had passed. Although Obama actually owned the economy from the February day on which he passed his first giant stimulus, now the American people were tired of waiting for the magic drug to kick in and let Obama know he owned it, for better or worse. For a stretch of months in 2009, it looked like the economy might be getting ever so slightly and slowly better. But then it got still worse.

The Long Marchers were sure it couldn't be the steak, so it had to be the sizzle. Re-messaging had to be the key. So, they sent out glad-handing party animal Joe Biden for a cross-country celebration of Recovery Summer. That was a non-starter. America's ready to party, yes, but not the kind of party Shoeless Joe had in mind.

Then they tried to buy the mid-terms with the race card. It was declined.

Nearly two years after taking office and turning the country upside down, they tried to blame Bush one more time and run a nationalized campaign against him, but this time even Jon Stewart wasn't having any and joined the mockery. Two months before the election that will either solidify or effectively end the Obama administration's ability to govern, the once-droopy George W. Bush is suddenly standing taller than he has since Katrina. In front-line must-win Democratic districts across the nation, Bush (who isn't running for anything) now leads Obama in approval polls by a significant margin. And the "Miss Me Yet?" t-shirt bearing his goofily grinning face is the largest seller in the country. The Long Marchers are shocked to discover that if they run against Bush, they will lose. Again.

But, of course, this is not about the misunderestimated Bush, whose vengeance will come in history books, nor even about Republicans. It is about nothing but America and the reintegration of its present and future with its glorious past. It is about reclaiming the mantle of honor and our rightful place in the world. It is not even about politics, which is a means, but hardly an end. It is about shrinking the state to its proper size, yes, and restoring the balance between liberty and license, but above all it is about one thing: redemption--and in all of human history, there is no greater theme. In the face of a tide of redemption, the Long Marchers know they will be washed away.

But they have one last trick. Their last-ditch strategy is to paint selected Republican candidates across the country as "too extremist," hoping to tar all Republicans with the same brush. As though Gov. Chris Christie of New Jersey is radical and hates "the children" when he tells the teachers' unions that the rules of life and economics apply to them too. As though Sharron Angle, Harry Reid's opponent in Nevada, is wild-eyed to suggest that the Department of Education might not be a good idea. Really? Ronald Reagan didn't think it was a good idea either, and he did OK. After all, Jimmy Carter, who never had a good idea, created it in 1978. It's hardly a venerable institution, and its elimination might be an idea whose time has come. America might just have grown the appetite at last to revisit much supposedly settled business that has derailed us from being the nation our founders intended us to be.

So, the savvy Republican move now would be more political ju-jitsu: embrace the label, just as they embraced Party of No. "Yup, we're extreme. Kinda like Adams and Jefferson were extreme." Yes, but what about those Tea Partiers? "Yup, they're extreme too. Kinda like Patrick Henry, who demanded liberty or death, or Martin Luther King, Jr., who said "I may not get there with you, but I have seen the Promised Land." Perhaps a little compare-and-contrast is in order: who's more extreme, our guy George Washington or their guy Chairman Mao?" And maybe it's time to revive the ghost of Barry Goldwater, who said: "Let me remind you that extremism in defense of liberty is no vice; and let me remind you also that moderation in pursuit of justice is no virtue."

The Long Marchers must face it: there is nowhere to go but back to the desert wilderness, there to learn that you can't promise water and deliver vinegar to a thirsty nation. Nor can you hold the water of life in your hands. Drink it quickly, or watch it all slip through to be absorbed by sand. When it's hot, blame it on the sun. When you repeatedly fail, sooner or later you must blame yourself.

So now the Long Marchers have broken a reeking flop sweat, because Daddy's almost home. They know they've been bad and have a beating coming. What they don't know is how much it will hurt. The answer: worse than they can imagine--but they have no one to point at but each other. If America is a putting green, they misread this country like a golfer after dark. They stroked it far left; it broke wide right. They've been misreading us for a century--and getting away with it--but this time they went too far. The Americans are coming--not to liberate another land, but to liberate themselves. The Long Marchers done got cocky. They done crossed the bridge too far. They done us wrong. And they can't uhuh-uhuh-uhuh-uh-undo it.

Goodnight Moon

Goodnight, sun; goodnight, moon.
Goodnight, nation that soared to the moon.

Goodnight booming cities and creativity's rush,
And liberty's children, now with minds full of mush,
And Homeland Security, ordering "Hush!"

Goodnight, flag of stars.
Goodnight, rocket's red glare.
Goodnight, freedom--everywhere.

Misdirection

Ten days ago, Obama, through his congressional lackeys, shoved an unwanted indigestible health care bill down America's throat. But then he dressed in camo, graced by a rakish ascot, and zipped off to Afghanistan to address the troops. This morning, he announced plans to look into oil drilling in the Atlantic seaboard and Gulf of Mexico (but not in the Pacific, where the real potential lies). These are feints to the right, designed to disarm, to make him appear reasonable. They are purely political. Like the malignant health bill, the worst symptoms of which will not kick in for years, this "investigation" will consume huge chunks of clock as it is picked over by committees and litigated by green groups. It's all show biz. Like the steam roller bearing down on Kevin Kline in "A Fish Called Wanda," we are watching a slow motion coup.

Stalking Donkey, Hidden Agenda

Did you ever wonder why Obama keeps leaving cooing health care messages to America, even though most of us now refuse to return his calls, why it seems that no matter where we go, there he is, maddeningly available, why he persists, with insane optimism, in trying to coax us down the same blind alleys?

We dated him; it didn't work. But he won't take no for an answer. He fits the classic profile of the stalker, sick in love with himself, but projecting: it's not about me, he says, but you. Whether he knows it or not (and, chillingly, he very well may not), he is lying. It is about nothing but him. He seeks to fill a hole reamed through him by his childhood, but that kind of hole no human other--not even a nation--or a world--of human others can fill. Yet he persists, looking for love in all the wrong places. He is obsessive, and therefore dangerous, no matter how pathetic.

He desperately wants something for America, he says, but the gift he wants to give us is not health care or security or freedom, but himself. He is the gift that will keep on talking (giving only to a few at the very top and very bottom); his once-hidden radical progressive agenda is just the paper and ribbon that add mystery to the gift. Under the flamboyant wrapping, though, is an empty box. A box so big and so empty we can stand in it and hear the wind blow, carrying whispers of the end of the American dream. Barack, it's not funny anymore.

So cut it out. Stop with the midnight calls and the shadowing of the American people. Stop lavishing us with porkulus presents that we can't afford to keep. You're buying us useless baubles with our money, not yours; don't expect us to appreciate it. You are squandering whatever compassion we might otherwise feel. Think of the recent elections as a mild restraining order that you'd be well advised to heed; and understand that the American people are prepared to take much sterner measures.

Smell this, Barry: we're just not that into you.

Cocktail Tips

I once tended bar and liked to devise my own concoctions. Here's one: Mix a jigger of self-righteousness with a jigger of self-congratulation, add a pinch of smugness and dashes of entitlement and false humility. Shake it all up in a swag bag with a double shot of stupidity, pour it over icy indifference and garnish with a designer logo or awareness ribbon. I call it the Oscar.

The Voting Rights Rehabilitation Act of 2012

Be it known that:

Any individual born within the several States, territories or dependencies of the United States to at least one parent who is a born or naturalized American citizen shall be considered an American citizen. Any individual born outside the several States, territories or dependencies of the United States to parents, both of whom are American citizens, shall be considered an American citizen. Any individual born outside the several States, territories or dependencies of the United States to one parent claiming American citizenship shall be eligible for citizenship, subject to review, but shall not be designated "natural born." No individual born within the several States, territories or dependencies of the United States to non-citizen parents shall be considered a citizen of the United States.

Any born or naturalized American citizen, having reached the age of majority, shall be entitled to one (1) vote, to be exercised at his discretion in any legitimate electoral process within his residential jurisdiction. Any individual or entity attempting to exercise the voting right of a deceased individual shall join that individual in his tomb.

Any citizen providing valid proof of high school graduation or GED qualification shall be entitled to one (1) additional vote.

Any citizen providing valid proof that he/she is presently serving or has been honorably discharged from any branch of the armed services shall be entitled to one (1) additional vote. In the event of conscientious objection or medical deferral, alternative service in fulfillment of this requirement may be considered on an individual basis. AmeriCorps shall not receive this consideration.

Any citizen providing valid proof of college graduation from an accredited institution shall be entitled to one (1) additional vote. Advanced degrees, while ineligible as a means to accrue additional votes, shall not be cause for removal of votes previously accrued, except in the case of tenured university professors.

Any citizen providing valid proof of marriage shall be entitled to one (1) additional vote. This accrued vote shall be lost in the event of divorce, but accrued again in the event of remarriage, up to and including a third marriage, but no more than one (1) marriage vote may ever be accrued. The widowed shall be exempt from this provision. Any citizen with more than three marriages shall be considered a lost cause.

Any citizen providing valid proof of home ownership shall be entitled to one (1) additional vote. This provision applies to the primary residence only; additional domiciles or properties, even if used exclusively by the owner, shall accrue no additional votes. This shall be known as the Rangel rule.

Any citizen providing valid proof of parenthood shall be entitled to one (1) additional vote. Never-married parents shall be ineligible for this provision. Divorced parents remain eligible provided that all responsibilities to the progeny of the marriage are discharged faithfully and in a timely manner. The widowed shall be exempt from this provision. Additional votes shall not be accrued by the bearing of additional children, as this would unfairly disadvantage post-modern leftists and the sexually confused.

Any individual providing valid proof of business ownership, resulting in the legal employment, in compliance with all applicable regulations, of two (2) or more non-family workers shall be eligible for one (1) additional vote. No enterprise colloquially known as a family, such as the Manson family, is necessarily excluded from this provision; however, crime families, regardless of number of employees, shall be excluded from this provision.

For the duration of time that the United States operates under a progressive taxation system, one (1) additional vote for each tax-paying tax bracket, up to a maximum of three (3) additional votes, may be accrued. No citizen who pays no federal income tax shall be eligible for this provision.

Any citizen receiving direct unearned benefit from tax monies shall not be eligible for any additional vote accrual beyond the one (1) conferred by citizenship. Earned unemployment, veteran and retirement benefits are exempt from this provision. The concept of what constitutes "earned" shall be examined on a case-by-case basis.

Additional votes may not be accrued through public service or professional achievement, especially when determined by legislatures or appointed bureaucracies according to perceived social equity or value.

Inasmch as the United States was envisioned as a meritocracy, dedicated to actual fairness and honest justice, with an eye to the general welfare and the greatest good for the greatest number, the Voting Rights Rehabilitation Act of 2012 shall provide for the accrual of not less than one (1) vote and not more than eleven (11) votes to every born or naturalized American citizen. This bill is now submitted to committee for perusal and revision.


Copyright (c) 2010, Daniel Crocker

Ode on a Kenyan Urkel

He's totalitarian--and quite the contrarian;
He's deaf to the howls of the people.
When you lay the facts bare: he just doesn't care;
He hears only the baas of his sheeple.

He's no uniter, that smirking divider;
And he's decidedly not the Decider.
He's no reformer--just a soulless Transformer--
And a birth certificate hider.

Should you call him a danger to all we hold dear
And a smug egotistical prick;
He'll call you a fool and duck out for a Kool;
He's a wolf-crying, Bush-blaming dick.

He compounds each error, makes light of terror;
(For a commie, he's got a great gig.)
To him, we're a joke--he'll just keep blowing smoke.
Our four-flushing socialist pig.

He was hailed as a Savior, but he's nobody's hero;
He'll slink off a bad joke, with an approval of zero.
But with the help of his goons, he'll first leave us in ruins--
Our vacationing, fiddling Nero.

He'll preach all night to his Amen Chorus;
And a delusional few still believe that he's for us,
He says "Let me be clear," but his thinking is porous,
Salutes the flag, but gives allegiance to Soros.

There'll be no red states at all by the end of his time,
No independent American workers;
Obedience will be virtue, non-compliance will be crime,
And our women will all hide in burkhas.